Studies show that people adjust faster, and find happiness quicker, when the choice and outcome is definitive, that is black and white with no options. For example, the difference between a pre-paid debit card vs. a credit card. If a teenager is given a pre-paid debit card to take to the mall, the parent can rest easily because they know their child can only spend a definitive amount and that’s it. There is no other option available to them. However, with a credit card, you can tell your child to only spend a $100, but they can spend more. How can you rest knowing that your impulsively minded child can spend all the way up to your credit limit, the point where a definitive limit is finally set? Plus, you child will focus on the option to spend more and how they will justify their spending to you later, vs. just accepting the limit of the debit card and moving on.
The same is true when helping an anxious child overcome their fears. They love options because that gives them a sense of more control and more opportunities to exit a situation. However, anxiety is overcome by building a tolerance to the thing feared, so they must learn to stay put and endure the anxious feelings that come until they peak and subside once more.
Let’s say your son is 12 years old and struggling with attending school. You’ve been practicing the stair-stepping method of exposure therapy and he’s been doing very well. He’s learned over several steps to drive up to the school, then go to an empty classroom in school, then walk across the campus and back a few times. Great progress! Now he’s ready to stand in a hallway during a class change, simply stand there while the kids scurry about to their lockers and such while switching classes. There’s a lot of commotion but it only lasts for 5 minutes, then it’s quiet again. This is a different type of exposure therapy; instead of a gradual exposure to something, the individual must dive into the fear and survive it until their fear subsides or a certain amount of time passes. In the Turnaround program, we refer to these two techniques as stair-stepping and taking-the-plunge. For this next step, the boy must take the plunge and survive it for 5 minutes.
In order to successfully complete this step, it is best for the child to see this as a definitive, no options exercise. His focus should not be on how he can exit the situation if he gets anxious but rather on how he will cope with the anxiety when it comes, accepting that there are no options to flee but only to survive. Focus on ways to tolerate the fears as they spike up, through breathing, muscle, and visualization exercises to name a few.
Your child will most likely resist doing this exercise at first, but once they accept that they have to go through this in order to overcome their anxieties (another definitive outcome they must accept), they will then agree to it and begin preparing themselves for it. There will be a great deal of dread as they start it, but they will feel soooo good after they have accomplished their goal. Their confidence builds and their willingness to face greater fears increases.
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